In the world of start-ups and entrepreneurship, there is often a lot of pressure - be it in terms of time, finances, shareholders or customers.

Conflicts? Are often the order of the day. How do you deal with them? Do you often find yourself in the following situation: With flags waving and full throttle into the conflict? Switch to attack immediately? Reliably and with an announcement on certain topics? Does it get loud and at some point it's all about winning or being right, regardless of losses?

The question is, how can you handle such situations well and, above all, skilfully without immediately going on the attack - like the Vikings in the picture - and without straining the relationships in your founder team or your specialist team?

There are basically 3 ways to deal with conflict situations (-> see Crucial Conversations).

1. We can avoid them.
2. We can face them and cope with them badly.
3. We can face them and overcome them well.

One way in which we can cope well is to try out and apply the methods of non-violent communication (NVC).

Non-violent communication - what is it?

In a nutshell, non-violent communication is a way of communicating that aims to respond as empathetically as possible to the needs of all parties involved instead of making quick criticisms or judgements. In other words, to consciously use the step between the perceived attack of the other person and one's own automatic reaction/defence in order to recognise other options. In the spirit of Stephen Covey: "People have the freedom to choose between stimulus and response."

It promotes understanding, co-operation and, in the long term, trust - essential for any successful founding team.

-> Read on here if you want to find out more, otherwise you can go straight to the examples.

Non-violent communication - developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg in the late 1960s - is based on the fundamental idea that behind every behaviour - no matter what it looks like - is a need of ours. It shows how we can break out of the cycle of blame and conflict by focussing on four key aspects:

(1) observations, (2) feelings, (3) needs and (4) requests.

By learning to take the following 4 steps

1. to express clear observations without judgement,
2. to name our feelings about it - how we felt in this situation, what feelings it triggered in us,
3. recognise the underlying needs (not so easy - but it works with practice) and
4. Finally, to formulate concrete requests as to how we would like the situation to be,

we build a bridge of understanding and empathy with our counterpart - be it our co-founder, shareholder or employee. This method enables teams not only to resolve tensions, but also to build a deep understanding and a strong connection with each other - if they regularly avert this. You can also practise this wonderfully in your private environment - with your life partners, friends or children. NVC is more than just a communication technique; it is a way to interact with respect, compassion and authenticity, which is the foundation for any successful collaboration.

If you want to find out more about the origins of non-violent communication and delve deeper into its concepts, please take a look at this blog article I wrote on the subject.

7 examples of how founders can use non-violent communication

Below I have put together a few examples that can give you a first impression of how you can use NVC in different situations. As you can see, it helps above all to consider all perspectives without being hurtful.

1. Dealing with constant lateness: Instead of saying: "You are always late for our meetings", try: "I noticed that you were late for our last meetings. How can we make sure that we can all start on time in future?"
   
   
2. Dealing with postponed appointments: Instead of: "You keep putting off your deadlines." Try: "I've noticed that some deadlines have not been met. Let's look together at how we can improve our planning so that we can achieve our goals together."
3. Resource allocation: Instead of saying: "You always take the best resources for yourself." Try this: "I can see that you need a lot of support for project Y. Let's discuss how we can distribute the resources fairly so that all our projects can be successful."
4. Set priorities: Instead of: "We can't always just work on your favourite project." Try: "I've noticed that we're spending a lot of time on project X. Can we review our priorities together to make sure all projects get the attention they need?"
5. Decision making: Instead of: "Your idea will never work." Try: "I understand your approach, but I have concerns about the potential risks. Can we go through the pros and cons together?"
6. Distribution of the workload: Instead of: "I'm the only one who works seriously here." Try: "I've noticed that I've felt very overloaded recently. Can we discuss how we can distribute the work more fairly?"
7. Dealing with investor feedbackInstead of: "You did poorly in the meeting with the investors." Try: "The feedback from investors was challenging. Let's think together about how we can adapt our strategy to address their concerns."

In my opinion, there are other situations in which you can use the methods of NVC to good effect:

• Defuse conflicts in your company: If two people in your teams clash and you decide you want to help resolve it, start by creating a safe space where both sides can speak openly. Start by giving everyone the opportunity to share their point of view without interruption or judgement. This helps to reduce misunderstandings and promote empathy. Again, use the four steps of NVC: observation, feeling, need and request. Encourage each team member to describe from their perspective what they have observed, the feelings that have arisen, the underlying needs and what they would like from the other person. This process enables a deeper understanding of the respective concerns and can help to build a bridge between the parties.

• Give employees feedback: These are often conversations that we don't like to have. Especially when it comes to topics that could personally bother us about the employee or affect the performance of the team. Striking a balance between honesty and the desire not to damage the relationship is important, but also quite tricky. Non-violent communication offers a structured approach to this. By first expressing our observations without judgement, we open up a space for understanding. We then share our feelings triggered by the situation and express our needs clearly.

• Conduct negotiations: Negotiations are often critical moments in everyday business life, especially when it comes to customers, service providers, employees or investors. Even in tough negotiations, CSFs can be a good tool for laying the foundations for a win-win solution.

Instead of starting a negotiation with rigid demands or accusations, next time you can resolve to explore the needs and interests of all parties. This starts with active listening and recognising the other side's points of view. When formulating your concerns, focus on sharing observations rather than judgements and communicate your own needs clearly but without accusations.

All right - how can I practise this?

In my experience, it is particularly helpful to practise recognising your own needs in the first step and then communicating them clearly without blaming others ("this is all your fault...", "... if you don't...". - I'm sure we've all had wonderful examples here of how it doesn't work).

Here are 2 practical exercises for you to try out in your everyday life - whether at work or at home.

And yes, you might be thinking "I feel stupid", "That doesn't sound authentic at all" or "The others will immediately realise that I read a book at the weekend or think that I've been on a training course". That may well be the case, and it will certainly seem a little stilted and artificial at first. But remember: just like in agile - just get out there, try it out, adapt it and test it again. Find your own style and just try it out for 4 weeks - what's the worst that can happen to you?

So, if you want to get started, here are the two exercises.

Exercise 1: Practising the 4-step model of NVC:

Exercise: Choose a recent situation in your team that has caused tension. Try to analyse it using the 4-step model and write down your thoughts on it.

1. • Observation: What did you see or hear specifically?
   • Feeling: What feeling(s) did that trigger in you?
   • Need: What do you think is the need behind this feeling(s)? At the end of the blog you will find a list of common needs to inspire you.
   • Please: What would you like to ask your co-founders next time to fulfil your need?

From my experience, I recommend that you do this exercise for yourself and practise it a little before trying it out "live". It takes some practice to find the actual needs behind the thoughts. But don't worry, you can do it!

Exercise 2: Empathic listening:

Here you need a "partner" with whom you can practise really listening. You can also do this "live" by simply letting the other person speak and then trying to reproduce what you have heard. It's better to find a partner with whom you can try this out. It also works well in a partnership, which usually doesn't hurt either 😉

• Sit down with a team member and practise really listening without interrupting, judging or offering solutions. The aim is to fully understand the other person's perspective.
• Have a 10-minute conversation in which each partner takes turns talking about a current concern while the other just listens and tries to reflect the feelings and needs of the person speaking. 10 minutes, without interruption. Then the other person tries to reflect the feelings and needs. And then the roles are switched - also known as "dialogue".

Summary

Non-violent communication can change the way you approach conflicts in your decision-making team and lead your teams. You can manage to transform anger and frustration from previous encounters into good cooperation and collaboration. It offers you tools to be more empathetic, more effective and ultimately more successful. Just give it a try - your co-founders, your teams and your family will thank you for it.

If you have any questions about implementation or are looking for a partner to practise with, please get in touch here simply contact me.

Sources

- "We can sort this out!" - How to resolve conflicts peacefully and effectively by Marshall B. Rosenberg

- Cruicial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High | Patterson, Kerry, Grenny, Joseph, Mcmillan, Ron

- The 7 Ways of Effectiveness" (2004) - Stephen Covey

Use of ChatGBT for suggestions on structure and linguistic and grammatical fine-tuning

Image credit: Stock Photo ID:1062171118 by Lorado